its raining because i dont have you here.
its raining so heavily because i wont be having you for christmas.

but im happy, still.
because we just spent an entire week together at my house.
and spending an entire week with you every single minute is even better than spending a christmas with you, or clubbing once with you.

because i love the way you radiate so much heat when you sleep at night
so much heat that i get so worried you might be having fever instead
that i get up to feel your forehead for any temperature.
then your heater arms will wrap me like an octopus and grab me back down to bed and shove my head into your heater chest and neck.

and i love the way when we watch dvd, you grab the blanket out to the living room and cover the both of us, sharing one recliner.
and then when i sweat like mad onto you, you dont seem to realise.
and also the very interesting fact that when i fell asleep throughout the movie you dont seem to realise either.

and i also love the way we wake up in the morning and we spend time debating who goes to wash up first.

and i love the way you continue sleeping on my bed when i get up for tuition.
because its especially enchanting when i go back into my room after tuition and i see you there curling up with chicken little 2 by your side.

and i love the way we wash the dishes together after meals.
you soap the dishes, i wash the soap off.

and although i hate the way you always attitude me when you're doing your work,
i still love studying beside you.

and i love the way we go out of the house together.

and i love the many many things about you.

and next week, your house.
and im still waiting for my surprise.

my comp crashed.
okay that explains the lack in posts.
its pretty upsetting, really.
because almost everyone's computer is part of their lives,
probably a pretty big part of their lives even.

my playlist, my photos,
and every single other crap ive got in that maniac comp of mine.

its probably such a big thing when your computer crashed because you've saved everything inside that small thing.
all the huge playlists you spent years building up,
all the photos that you spent years taking with the people that probably aint in your life anymore,
all the programmes that you painstakingly found and would need,
and everything else thats just inside.
i can easily access the internet and messenger with any other computer out there,
but its just different.
even the feeling of blogging here and using msn on this laptop is entirely different.

okay you know what?
i think ive already said i think im perfectly insane.

a hell load of a packed up events this week!
with my girlfriend staying over twice this week,
and us going out together everyday,
kelly and rebecca staying over on monday,
and tuitions and tuitions and more tuitions (yes i am worried about the four review tests when school reopens)
rushing work with my beloved.
and a hell load more.

christmas this weekends.
anyone has plans?
i think i do. ;)

except that im completely broke.

jay chou's music makes me... sad.

but not really sad.

its more like,
when i listen to it, i start going into a trance.
and then i feel my eyes go watery and everything becomes a blur.
and my head spins spins spins...
just like being twirled around on a finger
a small doll being twirled around on a huge finger
so huge you cant see anything else.
except, the finger.

the more i talk about it really,
it makes me feel like im narrating about a dream.

i hate dreaming
because the moment i close my eyes all i see are monsters and evil ghosts.
and if one day i close my eyes and i see merry go rounds and happy balloons,
i would hate waking up realising life isnt just about that.
so i'd rather i dont dream, at all.

but seriously i guess life isnt that bad afterall.
because im already seeing everything turning its way for the better.
a few weeks more of intensive studying with my girlfriend beside me,
kbox for us to scream our lungs out,
and as long as i dont give a fuck about the people who are giving me stress,
and i tide through all this shit.
i'll be fine.

of cos not without hugging our lovely chicken little 2 and piggy to bed everynight,
and some merry go round rides at paragon,
and our daily 24/7,
and our loads more plans we have yet to complete.

life is great because..
life will be great.

what a huge change of emotions just within three entries made on the same day.

i seriously think im nuts.

why is it that when some people are sad and lonely,
they have the whole world comforting them.
and when others are sad and lonely,
they get abandoned,
slammed at by people who think they're just asking for attention.

in case you were wondering,
im not talking about myself.

im fine, really.
i'll be fine.

im fine because i know if i ever feel sad or lonely,
upset and unsafe,
i have my girlfriend.
and having her with me is the best thing i'd ever have in my whole lifetime.

thats why i say,
fuck my insecurities,
fuck my possessiveness.

i swore never to let jealousy, paranoia, insecurities, possessiveness get the better of me anymore.
not when it ate up the whole of me in the past.

because i know if i do,
it'll eat me up,
slowly, bit by bit.
and when im entirely gone,
it'll eat up our relationship as well.
and that includes kris.

i swore to myself before everything ever started,
to protect my beloved girlfriend from harm,
and to only give her happiness and all of me.

"but thats what you get for falling again,
you can never get them out of your head."

true, because i feel everything's creeping back to me over again.

ive been trying to deal with myself for the past few weeks.
i'll get better.
because ive got her,
and with her,
everything will get better.
i just know it.

and i love hugging our little chicken little 2 to bed
because i know out there at the other end,
you are there hugging our little chicken little 1 to bed as well.
it makes me sleep better,
and chases away my nightmares.
along with the little piggy you gave me.

third blog in succession!
finally, after a long while of deliberation and all those busy busy shit.
having a blog is good,
because you get to vent everything you ever wanted to say
and because i know no one will read my blog,
perhaps for the exception of my dearest girlfriend,
i know my vents will be vented at no audience in particular.
and that's good.

i know i used to blog at my previous blogs for an audience.
i blogged, because i want people to read.
come on, admit it everyone does that.
but now its a different thing.
because im no longer blogging for the sake of letting people read.
because seriously if you hate me, or you dont read my blog,
i dont really.. give a shit.
and i would rather forget that i owned the previous two blogs i had.

i would most probably link up my old guestbook,
since the links part look terribly pathetic.
and unless i can get a nice kind soul to do me a template,
it would probably hang on like this for a long time to come.
because i suck at html.

and have i ever said?
i hate crying every single day of my life.
i went through that and i dont want to go through the same old shit again.
i am human and everyone has a limit to certain things.
i am not strong, i am weak.
and i have to admit, im terribly weak.
i dont like the feeling of crying myself to bed everynight,
and wake up in the morning crying again.
i never did cry infront of my girlfriend before,
but if this carries on and on,
sooner or later i will.
because i'll be breaking down everywhere i go.
and i dont want to cry infront of her,
because i dont want her to see me like this.

i decided to finally eat my first meal for the day,
at four pm.

and when i walked out of my study room to get my chopsticks,
i saw my mom setting up the christmas tree by herself.
and when i saw that i can't help crying all over again.
because its a tradition that at this point of the year every year,
i'll be setting up the christmas tree with my mom.

what is christmas this year, really.
where will i be?
after all the family gathering function.
sad at home?
or happy out with my girlfriend?